We've Separated
This might come as a bit of a surprise to you. And some of you might wonder why I've not told you this before... but... well, it is what it is.
After nearly 25 years and a lot of unhappiness, pain and orthopaedic pillows, Brian and I have decided that we need separate mattresses. Not separate houses nor separate rooms nor even separate beds. Just separate mattresses. Literally just two mattresses on one frame. A kind of sleep separation. Not a sleep divorce...
We're lucky to have a big enough bedroom to fit a superking sized bed which fits two single width mattresses. So we now each have our own mattress. OMFG. This is the best thing to happen to me in YEARS!!!
If you and your partner are different weights and have different sleeping positions, finding one mattress that works for both of you can be tricky. If you're heavier and sleep on your back, you will benefit from a firm mattress. If you are lighter and sleep on your side, a medium or even a soft mattress will probably work best for you.
I consciously started sleeping on my left side when I was pregnant with my first child in the mid-90s - it was the recommended sleeping position for pregnant women, though now it seems to be OK to sleep on your right side (but not your back). Anyway, I've remained a side sleeper since then.
Over the years, I've had various injuries - including shoulder problems, tennis elbow, golfers' elbow - ALL on the left side. I worked out a few years ago that it was to do with my sleeping position and the fact that our mattress was just too firm for a side sleeper. If you sleep on your side, your shoulders and your hips, if you're a woman, stick out and need to be able to 'sink in' to the mattress a bit in order to keep your spine straight and not put pressure on your shoulder and hip. If the mattress is too firm, then you end up spending 8 hours a night putting a lot of pressure on your bones and ligaments... so it's no surprise that people end up with injuries or pain. Initially, I made an effort to not sleep on my left side and found that my shoulder wouldn't hurt... but changing your decades-long sleeping position is tricky. I would wake up several times a night and force myself to move to a different position only to wake up later on my lefthand side and on and on. It was dull and didn't allow me to just sleep and get a proper rest as I was always on high alert to make sure I wasn't sleeping on my lefthand side.
After that, I tried a mattress topper to add some softness... I went through a few toppers. The main issues I found were that they were either not thick enough to make a difference or were just too hot to sleep on. This one from Emma was pretty good and definitely helped stop my aching. (They also do a thicker, temperature control one, but that is medium-firm tension, which still could be too firm for you side sleepers.) It would definitely be a good starting point, if you're not ready to get a whole new mattress...
But the too-firm mattress wasn't the only issue...
Since I had kids, I've been a very light sleeper. I can't just shut off the whole 'mum on alert' thing. I'm starting to relax more now that my youngest son is about half a foot taller than me and can physically look after himself, but I still tend to rouse fairly easily... including when my husband rolls over in bed. In my sleepy brain, I feel like he's bouncing up and down on the mattress or something, so I wake right up super annoyed. In reality, he's just shifting position like any normal person does... but because I'm such a touchy sleeper, it was really interrupting me.
This past spring, Brian was away for several weeks on tour and I thought I'd treat myself to a new mattress. Yea, I know how to live... I went to a mattress shop and spent a lot of time talking to them, telling them my issues with pain and being disturbed by my husband moving in bed and trying out loads and loads of mattresses for an awkwardly long time... the guy suggested that I needed a medium mattress and Brian needed a firm one... then he mentioned zip and link mattresses - two mattresses that zip together, so that you can have two different mattress tensions. This sounded like a brilliant idea, so went for it. I'm crazy like that.
It. Is. BRILLIANT! I now have a mattress that is the right tension for me. I no longer have any aches or pains, I'm no longer disturbed by my husband rolling over at night because I have my own mattress!!!!!... it is amazing...
But...
There was still the whole fighting over the duvet issue... He likes to be completely enveloped in a duvet like a cute little sausage roll and I... well... I like to actually have a fricken duvet on me sometimes omfg. I solved that within a week: I got us two single duvets! Initially, Brian was a little concerned by this. He felt that perhaps the whole separate mattress and separate duvet thing was the first step to separate beds or separate rooms. What next? Separate houses?!
Then this past summer, we visited Gothenburg and stayed at the Dorsia Hotel. We got into our room. I looked at the bed. TWO SINGLE DUVETS!! I said "See? See?! It's SCANDINAVIAN!!"
I've subsequently learned that the whole 'sleep divorce' and ‘the Scandinavian sleep method’ thing is a bit of a trend. What can I say? I'm cool like that. Whatever.
I definitely recommend taking these issues seriously earlier rather than later to avoid more pain and injuries. If your sleep is disturbed by duvet issues - perhaps you are a hot sleeper and your partner is a cold sleeper, or you find yourself always playing tug of war with the duvet in the night - seriously consider the separate duvet thing (“It’s cool, honey. It’s Scandinavian!”). And if you are finding yourself with shoulder, hip or even arm pain on the side you sleep on, it could be that your mattress is too firm for you. Maybe start by trying a nice thick soft mattress topper, but be aware that some of them can be very hot.
And if your mattress is coming to the end of its life and you're in the market for a new one... consider the split mattress thing, but it's worth noting that zip and link mattresses of two different tensions can be more expensive than two of the same tension. If you're lucky and you have a superking frame, you could just get two single mattresses which would be less expensive than a zip and link, BUT single mattresses are 10cm shorter than a UK superking size, which may or may not bother you. EU single mattresses, however, are the correct size to fit two perfectly on a UK superking frame. You can get zip and link mattresses for kingsize beds as well, but it would fit two small single mattresses, too. Though again, the small singles are 10cm shorter than a kingsized bed, unless you can get a EU small single. Also, we don’t actually zip our mattresses together - it’s a massive faff - I have a mattress protector over the top so there’s no obvious gap. I’ve not got single sheets for them (yet??), I just use our normal superking sheets.
Anway… Sort it out. You'll sleep loads better, you'll feel loads better and you won't be fighting for a duvet ever again.
LISTEN UP
I realised the other day that my aversion to self-publicity meant that a few of my friends didn't even know I was doing a podcast, so my guess is a bunch of you don't know that either! It's called The Cluster F Theory and you can subscribe to it here on Substack https://theclusterftheory.substack.com/ or listen to it wherever you normally listen to podcasts (eg Apple, Spotify). We've been super lucky that we have interesting and amazing friends who have joined us for a chat. If you've not listened to it, we've released over 30 now, so there are a lot to choose from. Here are a few to start you off with:
Caroline Criado Perez on Invisible Women https://theclusterftheory.substack.com/p/12-invisible-women-caroline-criado
Sarah Ditum on Cultural Poisoning https://theclusterftheory.substack.com/p/26-cultural-poisoning-sarah-ditum
Nick Rhodes on AI https://theclusterftheory.substack.com/p/31-ai-nick-rhodes
Carrie Lambert Beatty on Parafiction https://theclusterftheory.substack.com/p/13-parafiction-carrie-lambert-beatty
Jason Farago on Stasis https://theclusterftheory.substack.com/p/24-stasis-jason-farago
Gaaaaah! I could go on. There are SO MANY interesting episodes... I’d love it if you’d have a listen!
My RELIEF at seeing it’s only about mattresses.
I did not enjoy the start of this article -please don’t do that to us again! 😂
I just stayed at a hotel and rather than two single duvets you got a double duvet each on a king bed and that was amazing!