There Is No Normal
I saw a video the other day that was the biggest pile of bullshit I've seen this month. Go watch it.
If, like me, you've got people in your social circle who are self-diagnosing as having ADHD or being on the autistic spectrum (or a whole host of other developmental or mental health issues) despite them having graduated from university, had a successful career and successful friendships and relationships, you might have noticed the rising bile aimed at so-called 'normal' people coming from them (like in that video above). And unless you have chosen to reveal every single personal issue, mental health diagnosis or trauma you have ever faced in your life- however serious - then you will also know that they think you are a "normal" person and are therefore a dull, boring, unevolved loser at best or, more likely, a shitty, abusive, hateful jerk simply because you don't claim to be neurodiverse.
Before I go on, I am not saying that everyone who is diagnosed with a developmental or psychological issue as an adult is faking it. Though, I do mean diagnosed by a reputable psychiatrist as opposed to by an unregulated counsellor in a therapeutic practice - which includes someone who does reiki- where 100% of patients who come in are diagnosed with ADHD. I'm also not saying that it's impossible for people with these kinds of issues to get on with their lives successfully. I'm not saying that everyone with these kinds of issues hates "normal" people. I am saying that I'm seeing an increasing number of people who seem to think that they are somehow BETTER than other people because they have fallen into a self-indulgent mindset, they share every sad little thought about every sad little experience of theirs with randoms on the internet and behave as if they are the single most put-upon or downtrodden person there's ever been... all the while just deciding that they've got some kind of well-defined developmental or psychological issue that they've seen a few TikToks about.
I know several people with genuine, diagnosed developmental and mental health conditions. Some of them I've known for all or most of their lives. I've seen their struggles first hand. When I see people who found it virtually impossible to get through school, found it difficult to get along socially, were incapable of handling the work load and organisation required in university and, if they were lucky as an adult, found their niche in a trade or in 'the creative industries'... and then I look at other people who did well in school, had an active social life, graduated from university and had careers that would have blown their 15 year old self's mind, suddenly claiming that they think it's pretty likely they've got a developmental disorder, but can’t be bothered going to get diagnosed, I am extremely skeptical. I’m the age where it’s starting to look like this is a new kind of mid-life crisis… 20 years ago people would have an affair or buy a motorcycle… now they self-diagnose with a developmental disorder in order to get sympathy from faceless followers on social media… the 21st century drug of choice.
I've also noticed a big difference between people I know who've been to a psychiatrist and been diagnosed with a developmental or mental health condition as an adult and people who have self-identified as having one of those issues - the former happily use their diagnosis as a way to gain more insight into previous events in their lives (eg why they did so badly in school and weren't able to get through uni) and to make better choices for themselves going forward, including medication and therapy. The un/self-diagnosed latter group seem to think they are better or more virtuous than everyone else and that their self-diagnosis means that they can just be an arsehole and everyone should just forgive them because they are "special"...
Are you seeing this, too, or is this just unique to my circles?! Please tell me I’m not alone here…
Have a look at this:
Now... if you are just taking your own symptoms from the centre section of this - eg anxiety, depression, irritability, impulsivity etc - and maybe other things like difficulty focusing, disorganisation, forgetfulness and deciding yourself that you have ADHD and so you go to your overworked GP and say 'Hey, I'm pretty sure I've got ADHD- loads of people have told me that I probably have it- Ooooo! Look at that shiny thing!! I'm so ADHD!!!!! So, yea, I'd really like some sertraline for my anxiety which is really affecting my life' and the GP thinks you seem to know what you're talking about and they only have 15 minutes scheduled for your appointment anyway, so they write you a prescription and you start taking it... but because you haven't actually gone through a thorough diagnostic process with a proper psychiatrist, you don't know that, in fact, you have bipolar and the sertraline tips you into a manic phase and so now you feel HAPPIER THAN YOU'VE EVER FELT IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!... or if you ignore some other symptoms you have such as 'rejection sensitivity', feeling empty or splitting and, in fact, have untreated borderline personality disorder, that can lead to some profoundly terrible situations for you and those around you...
Or what about this...
Again, if you only take the symptoms from the middle and ignore symptoms from the edges and decide that you have ADHD (because facing trauma is hard work), you may find that the SSRI your overworked GP prescribes you helps with some things, but if you are, in fact, suffering from the after effects of trauma it’s still going to be sitting there and you will be missing out on valuable help in therapy that will help you learn important coping techniques to move forward.
'Coping' is an important word here... because I often see the difference between someone who is seen by others as 'normal' and those who have self-diagnosed themselves is simply the ability to cope with life's difficulties. I know someone who comes from a very comfortable and privileged background who claims to be 'oppressed' because they have found life a bit tricky recently and they can't cope with it. They aren't in therapy. They've self-diagnosed themselves with ADHD. They have disparagingly called others I know 'normal' because those people don't seem to have any issues. At least a couple of these 'normal' people grew up with parents with severe mental health issues or have personally suffered trauma or physical/emotional abuse or neglect...
Coping doesn't mean that their adversities had no affect on them. It doesn't mean that they lack emotions. It doesn't mean that they found any of it easy... It does mean that they found - either in themselves or in therapy - a way of thinking that provided them with a scaffolding to help them deal with the effects of their experiences... but because they have worked at finding their coping techniques, the first 'self-diagnosed' person thinks the ‘normies’ never suffered a day in their lives and are therefore ‘unevolved’.
For me 'coping' means understanding that nothing is perfect, no one is perfect, including you. No one is special, including you. Everyone is uniquely flawed and that's just fine. There is always someone who has it harder than you, so appreciate what you have. It's OK to be sad, but it's also OK to be happy. And being happy is just... nicer... So, it's a good idea to find ways of thinking or things to do that make you feel happy.
Recently, I saw someone I know say that 'depressed people don't have any choice about being depressed'. I told them that I thought that was an irresponsible thing to say. They and a few of their friends got angry at me. I pointed out that someone who was depressed who was in an extremely vulnerable state of mind could read that and think 'well, if I have no choice about this, what's the point of going on?'. It made me feel like this person simply 'identifies' as depressed because their life isn't exactly as perfect as they want it to be and they don't understand at all what severe, acute depression is like. They are taking their general feelings of ennui or melancholy (because of their dissatisfaction with how their life is going) and thinking that is equivalent to a severe mental health crisis.
Also, let's look at this again: 'I don't have any choice about feeling miserable about my life.' Well, yes, you actually do. You ALWAYS1 have a choice. Read some Buddhism, that will hopefully convince you that clinging onto a future that you wanted that is no longer possible (eg your partner left you, you didn't become a Hollywood director, you aren't the funniest person in the world...) is a fucking stupid thing that only total morons do (which, may or not may be The Buddha's exact words). It only brings you suffering.
This is what a lot of people don't seem to understand about the Buddhist idea of 'no attachments'. It doesn't mean 'never love anyone' or 'never have any goals' or 'don't like anything at all'. It means treat everything like it's a helium balloon on a string. You can desire it, choose it, hold onto it, love it and find it absolutely joyful, but if it slips from your hand, you can watch it float away and you can be sad about that, but you know and understand that it's gone and life goes forward. You shouldn't allow the sadness of the balloon slipping away to take over your whole entire life. You shouldn't make every one of your thoughts be about how brilliant that balloon was and how awful everything is without it. You shouldn't focus on all of the ways that balloon was going to make you happy one day and how happiness is now impossible without that balloon...
'Sure, Gia, I get it when you're talking about a balloon, but I WAS DESTINED TO BE A BEST-SELLING AUTHOR BUT IT ALL FELL APART THAT TIME I HAD THE FLU AND MISSED A MEETING WITH A PUBLISHER AND I NEVER PHONED THEM UP TO TELL THEM I WASN'T GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE MEETING AND NOW MY LIFE IS FUCKED AND I SHOULD BE LIVING MY LIFE AS A BEST-SELLING AUTHOR AND BE RICH AND FAMOUS BECAUSE EVERYTHING I WOULD HAVE WRITTEN WOULD HAVE BEEN HUGELY POPULAR AND THAT WOULD HAVE SHOWN ALL THOSE ARSEHOLES FROM SCHOOL AND ACTUALLY IT TURNS OUT I'VE GOT ADHD BECAUSE MY FRIEND SAID THAT I PROBABLY HAVE ADHD BECAUSE SHE SAW A TWEET ABOUT IT SO THAT'S ACTUALLY WHY I MISSED THOSE MEETINGS!!!!!!!! AND NOW I'M MISERABLE BECAUSE MY LIFE COULD HAVE TURNED OUT SO DIFFERENTLY IF I'D BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD!!!!!! BUT IT WAS ALSO THE FLU AND NOT JUST A COLD EVEN THOUGH MY MAIN SYMPTOM WAS SNEEZING!!!!!! IT WAS REALLY BAD SNEEZING!!!!!!!'
Dude. Duuude. Look...
This is life. None of it is normal.
“You're on Earth. There's no cure for that.”
― Samuel Beckett
RELATED LISTENING: The Memory Hole Podcast about the ‘recovered memory’ epidemic of the 80s and 90s. I’m a few episodes into this and it’s reminding me of both the ‘gender’ stuff and all of this self-diagnosis stuff. Worth a listen…
I will caveat this with saying that there are responses to trauma that are so profound and instantaneous that they happen without ‘choice’ and aren't controllable without therapy.
Loved this post - I had to work with a woman last year for about 6 months who decided part way through that she was "neurospicy" and therefore every mistake she made in the new skills we were both learning we not in any way to be learned from and changed (kind of like evolution) but instead were shiny badges to be polished and cherished. Unsurprisingly, the skills she was learning stopped improving at about the same time as she decided her bugs were in fact features.
Fortunately, my optic nerves stopped my eyes from rolling completely around in their sockets, or they would still be spinning now.
She's not the only one - neurotypical just means "not diagnosed with any kind of disorder" but has been read as "boring or bland" and often "boring and bland white, straight, middle-aged and male".
You have expressed my frustrations with this whole issue way more eloquently than I could have, so thank you!
I haven't come across this but I can well believe it. It reminds me of tattoos: you don't suddenly acquire experience or insight with them either. I may be autistic or OCD but I am not bothered to have it diagnosed or even to mention it normally; why do these people think they have become interesting or normal people dull?